I crossed the field before the sun had come up. I could feel the fresh worked soil against my boots. I embrace the uneven soil because it makes me feel more in contact with the earth, than the manmade concrete and asphalt. Life has plenty of layers, I feel I do not need to add one under my boots. I slipped into the woods and found a spot under a Live Oak tree to see and feel the dawn of a new day. As the birds started to chirp of that dawn I sat in the darkness. Though I love the rays of hope the dawn gives me, I also love the darkness. I love that my lack of being able to see causes my other senses to kick it up a notch. Once again, I feel more in contact with the earth. As I sit and feel torn between the love of the darkness and the love of the light, my mind wonders to the things that don’t move.
It does not matter if the hole in our soul was caused by the violent taking of those that we cherish, or they simply drifted off to sleep, there is a hole. Most of us looking in that window can relate to our failed attempts to fill that hole. Like a sinking ship we grab whatever we can put our hands on in an attempt to fill the hole and stop the leak. None of us have training in this area, so we learn as we go. For some of us we started trying to fill this hole when we lost our first pet, and for others, they were spared to a later date in life. No matter what we become people are trying to fill the hole from those that have gone on.
Most of us try our best to make people feel better. But to be honest there is little we can do to make someone feel better when they are trying to fill that hole. We say things that come out wrong, or we say nothing at all. I had a young teenage boy tell me once that “I just want people to treat me like they did before my dad died”. I’ve taught on this subject and my best advice is to speak from the heart. Share a memory with that person trying to fill that hole. God knows share one that makes them laugh, they need it. I understand the concern that bringing up the one that is gone puts it at the front of their mind, but in reality, in the beginning it’s the only thing at the front of their mind.
I have said more the once that to me the first step is accepting the event that left you with a hole in your soul. The second step is accepting the outcome of that event. I’m confident that some people, due to their personality or the horrific nature of the event, they never accepted any of it. Most of the us will accept the event but some of us will never accept the outcome of the event. We will live the remainder of our lives with a layer around us, never growing, just existing.
Many will tell you as they rush to fill that hole it’s as if the world has stopped but everyone else is moving forward. More than once I can say I have felt that in my own life and been close enough to a hole that I have felt it from others. It’s the objects that don’t move that cause us to feel our world has stopped. The cowboy boots by the front door, the dust on the hood of a truck, and the pillow that no longer supports anything. It’s the empty place at the kitchen table and until some unknowing child decides to eat there, we protect that spot like it’s a shrine. We struggle with a list of emotions to move those objects because we are dancing with the reality of the outcome, they are gone.
The sun is now breaking through the trees and the darkness is gone. I stand up and stretch my body like a dog waking up from a nap. I work my way back to the field following a trail made by a man I never knew. Ahead on the trail I see the sun resting on the trail. I could stand here and wait for those rays of hope, but I live life by grabbing the bull by the horns. I turn the corner and the sun is bright. So bright I pull my cowboy hat down to let my eyes adjust. The field is alive with life. In a few days the farmer will plant this field and the crop cycle continues just like life. The farmer will fertilize the crop and when the crop needs rain the farmer will pray. Sometimes the soil will develop a thin crust that restricts the seed from busting through the soil, so the farmer will break the crust.
We stand back and watch those frantically attempt to fill that hole. We stand back and respect their lack of wanting to move those objects. So, what can we do besides stand back and watch? I suggest we treat them like we always have. I suggest we share a memory, so they realize they are not alone. If you think of them, then reach out to them. Trust me it’s lonely trying to fill that hole. It’s hard when you are trying to fill that hole to not be that seed with a crust growing over it. Our soul was designed to be grown just like a crop, and to have seasons. Our soul was to age with imperfections, beauty, experience (bright and dark), and character. If we allow those close to us to crust over, then we as humans have not done our part.
As for the objects, they will get moved at some point. Maybe by our hands or the hands of someone else, but they will get moved. There is no timetable of accepting the outcome, but I think you will know when you do. I do not think the hole ever gets filled, even as hard as we try. But the hole becomes a part of who we are and the life we lived. – Josey
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To find more of Josy’s writing and for information about the books and collaboration with Dr Jeff Mitchell you can go here https://crucialmoments.org/
